Wrestling Again
by LaurelRose
Summary: Post OotP *spoilers* Remus deals with the first full moon after the Ministry break-in. Songfic to "Barcelona"


Wrestling Again: A Songfic By: LaurelRose  
  
This fanfiction contains *MAJOR* spoilers for The Order of the Phoenix. Do not read this if you have not read the fifth book. I would hate to ruin it for you.  
  
Author's Notes: After reading the end of OotP, and restraining myself from throwing the book across the plane (I was traveling to a camp), I got to my room, put in my Jewel CD, and this song came up. While I cried, making up for the whole plane thing. And yes, I cried. Hard. Do not laugh or mock me. I feel that this song captures the feelings of Remus during the first full moon after Sirius's dissappearance (I don't think JK's going to pull the whole Book 3 stunt again. Damn. But I'm still in denial. It's a lovely river; pity Bill no longer works near there.) Anyways, this has nothing to do with my original character Shenandoah Black (Sirius's daughter) because I know that some people don't like reading original character fics. However, I'm writing some stories about her now, too, about her reaction. Those should be up in the next week. Stuff between squiggles is lyrics  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter series, because if I did, Padfoot would be alive. Although it comforts me that JK cried over his death too.  
  
Dedication: This fanfiction is dedicated to all those who feel they have to face their demons alone. You are never alone.  
  
Barcelona, June 1995  
  
~Barcelona, where the winds all blew,  
  
The churches don't have windows, but the graveyards do.  
  
Me and my shadow are wrestling again.  
  
Look out stranger, there's a dark cloud moving in.~  
  
He was on a mission for Dumbledore. This time, he was trailing Rookwood to Spain, where the Order thought that Voldemort was trying to recruit more members of his army. Spanish wizards were notorious for their pureblood pride, seeing as Muggles, most notably the Fascist government under Franco, had tried to destroy most of the wizarding families during the early 1940s. Rookwood would find it easy to find followers here. And Remus had to stop him. But.but tonight he could not do anything. Tonight was the full moon. Tonight was the first full moon in a year without Padfoot. The two of them couldn't run off and have any adventures, and besides, it would seem strange without Prongs, or hell, even Wormtail.  
  
With Peter, Remus had resorted to the same methods he had used when Sirius was sent to Azkaban. There was a sharp definitive line between the Peter in Hogwarts and the Peter as Death Eater. It was a defense mechanism, yes, but it worked. Remus did not like to think about betrayal.  
  
But Padfoot. Remus did not need to have any more adventures now that he was grown, but the ritual of taking his potions, and curling up with his only childhood friend, on the night that used to bring such terror to him as a small child had been wonderful. Now, the wolf inside him was angry at the world for having his packmate ripped away from him so indifferently. And so the darkness, the loneliness, the utter despair settled over Remus's soul.  
  
~But if you could hear the voice in my heart it would tell you,  
  
I'm afraid I'm alone  
  
Won't somebody please hold me, release me, show me  
  
The meaning of mercy.~  
  
He felt so lost and alone. The full moon did that to him, because he felt no one could understand his problems. The rest of the Order tried to comfort him, but none of them understood. They did not know the brilliant schoolmate, the loyal friend that Sirius was. All they saw was the man who had the best years of his life ripped away from him, leaving a broken shell behind. The Sirius of the past two years was not the man he had been before Azkaban. Remus always thought his friend had lost something in the halls of the wizarding prison. Sirius had lost his innocence. He had lost his chance at life, and only Remus could understand a part of that. Being hounded from town to town, never really settling in, completely bypassing the milestones that most people found normal in their lives, milestones such as marriage, children, the first day of school for the children; all of these things were a part of Remus and Sirius's lives.  
  
~Let me loose,  
  
Fly,  
  
Let me fly,  
  
Let me fly.~  
  
His first instinct was to run from his thoughts, run as fast and as far as possible, but Remus knew that running would only bring more problems. He wasn't even supposed to be in Spain. Werewolves, thanks to Umbridge, couldn't travel outside their country of residence. Remus had a mental picture of running into a Spanish counterpart of an Auror. Oh, excuse me sir, I'm on a mission to stop a Death Eater from recruiting Spaniards for his cause, so would you please let me continue? ¡Muchas gracias! His Spanish wasn't *that* good, and it would only take one check with the Animagi Registry Office in London to show that he was not registered, and, in fact, was a werewolf. To Remus, it definitely wasn't worth the run. But he needed to move, badly. He needed to get up, change the scenery. So he paced. And paced. And watched the sun sink into the horizon. And felt this pushing feeling of loneliness and doubt crowd closer, like the Ministry officials after the break-in on that Thursday night. He wasn't going to be able to pull this one out. He couldn't do it without his partners, without James, without Sirius. Remus broke the repetitive pattern of pacing, trying at the same time to break out of his broken- hearted logic.  
  
~Super paranoid,  
  
I'm blending, I'm blurring, I'm bleeding into the scenery.  
  
Loving someone else is always so much easier.  
  
But I hold myself hostage in the mirror.~  
  
Remus went to the bathroom to wash his face. The Order had decided that it would be safest if all undercover operations were done with a combination of magic and old-fashioned muggle make-up, and Remus was covered in facepaint to make his skin a few shades darker. He popped out the brown contacts, and amber eyes blinked back at him in the mirror. Remus averted his eyes. It was hard for Remus to look at himself these days, because he blamed himself for Sirius's death. It could be no one's fault but Remus's. If only he had pulled rank and made Sirius stay at 12 Grimmauld Place, Sirius would not have dueled with Bellatrix and gone through the veil. Once again, a defense mechanism. No body, no proof, so Sirius is just gone. Not dead. Remus shook his head. He hated himself, a feeling that he had not felt since his first year at Hogwarts. He was kind, cared for others with a patience unimaginable by others, but he could not stand to be in his own skin.  
  
~But if you could hear the voice in my heart it would tell you, oh,  
  
I'm tired of feeling this way.  
  
God, won't you please hold me, release me, show me  
  
The meaning of mercy.~  
  
All Remus wanted was relief. Relief from the pain, the sadness, the misery that now was his daily companions. He felt as if he were swimming in a giant pool of water with lead weights tied to his shoes, fighting his way to the top to breathe before the waves overtook him. Full moons always made him remember times gone by, but in the past year, these forced marches down memory lane had gotten easier. The misery that these memories had once held had faded into simple, almost joyful remembrances. Remus was suddenly struck with an image of Sirius, thinking about James's old habits. I'd forgotten he used to do that. Memories that had developed into fondness for the one that was gone, not a hatred for the one who had taken him away. But now Remus's memories were mutating again, changing back into anger, hatred, and fear.  
  
~Let me loose  
  
Fly,  
  
Let me fly~,  
  
He felt trapped. Trapped inside this hotel room, trapped inside this life, trapped inside this living hell of being the last one. The last one of his friends, Remus, the one with the terrible affliction, had outlived his friends and would be the one to turn off the lights and shut the door. The running urge hit him again. He wanted to run from duty, run from his own thoughts, run from his responsibilities. He wanted to run to where Sirius was, wherever he was.  
  
~And I won't be held down, I won't be held back.  
  
I will lead with my faith.~  
  
All he could have faith in was the idea that Sirius was away, far away from anyone who could hurt him. Funny, how once upon a time it was always Sirius and James protecting Remus and Peter, and for the past two years all Remus wanted to do was wrap Sirius in a silk sheet and hide him from the world. From the Ministry, from the Death Eaters, even from Sirius's own feelings of doubt and worthlessness. But Sirius was never a person to be protected or cosseted. He always wanted to be in the lead. Throwing off his family's shackles of what should be done, and instead, striding in a new, bright direction. Sirius always had faith in victory, in love and light and all things good in the world (which always meant butterbeer and sneaking out late at night for pranks).  
  
~The red light has been following me.  
  
But don't worry mother,  
  
It's no longer my gravity.~  
  
At night, Remus had dreams about the Death Chamber. Dueling, the flashes of light from Bellatrix's wand (What was the last spell she shot at him?), and Sirius falling. Harry, fighting to get to the veil, and Remus knowing that the last thing Sirius would want was his godson following him into the great unknown. The entire night was burned into his eyelids, like a constantly running video. But, it was fading, the pull into those memories, allowing Remus to gain some type of functioning again. Allowing Remus to continue his work for the Order. He almost wanted to take the entire night, and place it in a pensieve, allowing him to have a blank spot where that night was. However, Remus knew he couldn't. It would be a dishonor to Sirius's memory.  
  
~Hold me, release me, show me  
  
The meaning of mercy  
  
Let me fly,  
  
Let me fly,  
  
Let me fly.~  
  
The sun sank low over the horizon. Soon the moon would rise, and his transformation would begin. And as the sun set, all Moony could think of were four innocent friends adventuring under the moonlight.  
  
Where did it all go wrong?  
  
I want out. Out of my duty; I just want to be with my friends.  
  
And on the wind, Moony thought he heard three voices say,  
  
Someday.  
  
Author's notes II: This has next to nothing to do with the story, but I found this quote in another one of my favorite books. I think it defines Remus pretty well, and why he didn't fall all to pieces when Sirius went through the veil.  
  
"So he'd [Bean] please the teachers, impress the hell out of them, so that they would keep opening doors for him, until one day a door would open and his friend Ender would be on the other side of it, and he could be in Ender's army once again."  
  
Orson Scott Card, Ender's Shadow  
  
I have a feeling Remus is now only working to get this war finished, so he can be with his friends. Just like Bean.  
  
Please review. It's my lifeblood.  
  
LR 


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